Guest Author - LeeAnn Bonds
“…the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have acted treacherously against her, though she was your marriage partner and your wife by covenant.”
Malachi 2:14
A hideous problem lurks in the pews of your church. In the row behind you, or across the aisle, sits a woman whose husband treats her like a wretched dog. You can’t tell who it is, because she has her Sunday face on. He might be sitting beside her, with his on, too.
Okay, so we know domestic violence exists, and that it’s a terrible thing. But do we realize that one in four women suffer this violence, and that that one is just as likely to be sitting beside us in church as anywhere else?
And here is what breaks my heart. Your hurting sister in Christ is likely too ashamed to ask for help from the church. She’s embarrassed that her marriage isn’t wonderful. She feels guilty that she isn’t the perfect wife. She’s afraid that if she asks the pastor for help she will be condemned, and that the pastor will suggest that the abuse is probably her fault. If she will try to be more submissive everything will probably be fine. God forgive us, but this has commonly been the response of pastors.
This has to change. Churches must be a safe refuge of love and support for women who are being verbally abused, controlled, isolated and physically battered by the men who have promised to cherish them as Christ loves the church, and protect them from harm. We must be aware of the problem. We must educate ourselves about domestic violence. Resources abound, and links to some are at the bottom of the page. I encourage you to take action, and to work in whatever manner is appropriate to make sure that materials and training are made available in your church. Lead a Bible study, arrange for a workshop to be taught by a local group working on the problem.
My sisters, hear me. It can be difficult to be objective about this. Many abusive men have charisma, and great skill at maintaining a façade of righteousness and humble virtue. You may find yourself thinking that he couldn’t possibly have hurt her. Then you might wonder what she did to make him so angry…this is dysfunctional thinking, so stop it! Put her injury in another context. If an employer beat her, strangled her and railed at her with abusive language, would anything in the world make that acceptable? If a stranger merely slapped her, or pushed her out of his way, we would be outraged and encourage her to press charges of assault! Why, oh why can we even consider excusing, for any reason, such behavior from the man who should be his wife’s protector, loving her sacrificially and devoting himself to her wellbeing? It’s an abomination, and we need to repent of thinking in this crippling way.
A final word of caution: be very careful as you begin to try to help. It’s important to let a woman make her own decisions, as she is the only one who knows what will be safe action for her to take. Also, it’s critical to make sure you are educated and trained before you step in. If you don’t know the dynamics of domestic violence, you could easily put a battered woman in more danger as you’re trying to protect her. It’s a complex problem, and you certainly can help, but get the knowledge you need to be effective.
