Guest Author - Monica J. Foster
Have you been planning your wedding these last few months? Are you worried, like I was when I was planning mine, that your wedding won’t be barrier or worry-free? Using some creative thinking, patience and willingness to work around the obstacles, your day can be all you want it to be.
As soon as you’ve gotten engaged and gushed to all your friends, set that date and reserve the venue. Or, if you’ve got a venue in mind -- the church or garden of your dreams -- check out the venue first since venues reserve dates well in advance. Unless a particular date means more to you than the place, checking out venues first are your best bet. Once you have an idea of where, make a list of your priorities. Do a Wants vs. Needs assessment. Does the old historic mansion you want have enough accessible entries and pathways for you and your bridal party to dress on site, or will you have to get dolled up and then show up for the event? What about the reception area? Many old home sites have ceremony and reception areas all in one, which makes it easier than moving from one site to another, but is there accessibility between the two areas for your wheelchair, the groom’s walker or your Aunt Sadie on her scooter? You’ve got to make a decision whether the atmosphere for your wedding is worth losing a bit of accessibility and limiting who attends.
The above brings up a good point, though. You may want to consider having your ceremony and reception in the same location so you or anyone else on your guest list with a disability isn’t moving around a lot and tired before all the excitement really gets in gear. You might consider a nice hotel, a local restaurant with an outdoor patio, reserved banquet room or a country club. Or, you might want to have it in your own backyard if you want a smaller, intimate occasion in a home-like setting. When I was a bride, it would’ve been much easier to have both in the same location rather than attempt to transfer in and out of a vehicle. However, I figured out we could rent an accessible van as our ‘limo’ for the weekend. We decorated it and I was able to travel from church to banquet hall without a lot of fuss or muss. And my short-statured matron of honor was accommodated as well.
As for photographers, make sure they understand how you feel about your disability. You may feel differently, but I am not one to hide mine and I’m not interested in flipping my dress around or posing people around me in such a way that it hides my wheelchair. I had to interview several photographers before that point got across loud and clear. Expect the traditional bridal shots in your package as well as any unique shots that maximize your personality and the day.
Now, let’s get to that dress. First rule to remember, say it with me, “I am the Bride and I am in charge.” That doesn’t mean you act like an immortal, she-bat toward the family and friends shopping with you or treat the sales people like your slaves. However, don’t let anyone talk you into a dress that you don’t absolutely love. You’ll know it the moment you slip into it and see yourself. Sales people are exactly what their title says and they will definitely want you to just pick one, preferably on the more expensive end of your budget if they can. If your family and friends are there to help you try on dresses, take your time, pace yourself and don’t fulfill their wedding fantasy over yours. Be patient with the process of stripping down to your unmentionables, getting help pouring yourself into dress after dress and looking at each and every one of them. Don’t be afraid to walk around on your walker or crutches to get the feel for the dress. Don’t be afraid to roll around in the dress in your wheelchair, just be sure the dress doesn’t get caught under foot or in your wheels or you’ve bought whether you love it or not.
Can you breathe in it? Bend over? Sit down? Make sure you sit or stand pretty or else you’ll be frozen in uncomfortable time for the day. Still, a dress is like trying on shoes or underwear. It’s got to make you feel like you want to feel on your wedding day and it’s got to be comfortable in every position you’re going to be in on your special day. If it fits over your body brace, but doesn’t make you feel good, it doesn’t mean you have to settle. Go in the store believing you will find The Dress – if not here, somewhere else. It’s out there even if you have to have it made. Yes, you can have a dress made for you, or even do it like the movie “Pretty in Pink” and take fabric you love and an old dress from a vintage store or a family member’s dress, and make your own using pieces of other things you have on hand.
If you begin to feel guilty after trying on two or three, like you are wearing your shopping entourage down, take a break. Go get something to drink or a small snack, shake it out and come back in a little while or even another day. Trying on dresses for anyone is tiring. The shop might even be willing to hold a couple styles back if you plan to be back in a few hours. Ask!
As you are looking for a style that you like, let all the fashion rules go out the window. I’ve heard it said that two-piece style dresses are better for brides on wheels, but I found the perfect one piece dress for me. The only rule you should follow is that little voice inside you that says, “Oooh, yes. That’s the one!” Then, of course, there is the budget to pay attention to, but there are many styles and shapes within your budget.
There are other things on the ol’ To-Do List to pay attention to as well. If you have manual dexterity issues, or one of your bridal attendants doesn’t have hands, you may want to consider a wristlet style bouquet, much like the wrist corsages you remember from your prom. My matron of honor couldn’t grip a bouquet handle, so we fashioned a wristlet for her to strap on and a smaller style bouquet for all the bridesmaids to carry down the aisle so they all looked the same, but you couldn’t tell one of them was a little bit different unless you looked for it.
Are you worried about giving your cousin Mary a black eye during the bouquet toss? Consider asking the florist to fix up Styrofoam ball with rosebuds or small blossoms inserted all around with a ribbon loop to help you toss it. Or, you could toss it underhand and ask the group to stand around you a bit closer so someone catches. At my wedding, we gave the bouquet and garter to the longest married couple (after a dance of elimination) and dedicated a dance to them.
During the ceremony, if either you or the groom is unable to stand for a long period of time or not at all, consider part or all of the ceremony in decorative chairs facing one another. My ceremony consisted of me in my wheelchair the whole time, but my husband spent half the ceremony in a chair with a lacy slip cover and bow to match the decorations. Facing each other, hand in hand at eye level, we did a sentimental “These Are the Hands” ceremony after our traditional vows. My train was folded over the back of my chair when moving, but splayed out behind me beautifully during the ceremony. You could, if you like, roll half way down the aisle with your escort (dad or uncle or whoever) and walk the rest of the way on the supportive arm your husband-to-be to the altar.
Don’t underestimate decorating your wheelchair, walker, cane or other assistive devices either. A little ribbon, greenery or small silk flowers temporarily attached can make everyone feel festive and outfitted for the occasion. I knew a bride who wove ribbon around her wheelchair wheels in a basket weave pattern and then placed a ball of flowers at the center, making her wheelchair look like a fairy tale chariot. Beautiful! A groom who wore an eye patch all the time because of a congenital eye condition, had a new eye patch made especially for the day, by the same seamstress who made his bride’s garter, to match the color in his tuxedo’s bow tie. You can also wrap ribbon around various medical tubes and hoses loosely so they don’t get tangled, but look elegantly coordinated for the day. And you can fit a garter and fishnet stocking over a prosthetic leg. Who says missing a limb has to limit how sexy you feel? You control how good you feel.
Here’s to your wedding day being what dreams are made of. Relax and take it step by step, but be firm about what you need and what you want to make your day unforgettable.
