Guest Author - Michelle Roberti
Many of us are familiar with St. Peter. In Scripture he is the rock on which the Catholic Church laid its foundation. He is the First Pope of the Roman-Catholic Church and is the patron saint of The Papacy. He is also the patron saint of fishermen, as well as, masons, bridge builders, harvesters, butchers, bakers and net-makers (Sorry, no candlestick makers;) and his affiliation with these “associations” lends him the invariable place of “being in” on their “private jokes.”
As appointee of the “Keys of Heaven,” it is with St. Peter’s intercession that we are given “access;” thereby becoming a part of his gags. There are many jokes and funny stories about St. Peter that have come down through the centuries via oral tradition. Let’s take a look at how St. Peter became “Heaven’s Headliner.”
We know very little about him by way of the Bible, despite his being mentioned over one hundred times; therefore any stories about him stem from the oral tradition. In the case of St. Peter and his relationship with other deities, they all had their start at the Church. Priests, telling stories to their illiterate congregation, often spoke of St. Peter and Jesus and the scope of their relationship.
As these stories spread it seems that they took on another facet. No longer were Jesus and St. Peter “brothers” in the the Church, but they had become the dynamic duo of some very comical stories; always with St. Peter playing the fool, of course. In these medieval tales Jesus often saves Peter from embarrassment, or is taught a valuable lesson. In the Germanic folktale “How St. Peter Lost His Hair,” we are enlightened by the answer:
Jesus and St. Peter came upon a farmhouse with hopes of begging for something to eat. Jesus waited outside while St. Peter went in and watched as the farmer’s wife cooked some pancakes. The woman gave St. Peter three to share. St. Peter, who selfishly wanted to keep the extra, hid the hot pancake under his cap. He proceeded to give Jesus one of the two pancakes. Even though the hot pancake was burning his head, St. Peter showed no sign of discomfort. Later that day, when St. Peter took off his cap he discovered that he had singed all his hair off, with the exception of the small lock up front, which protruded safely from his cap. Here, the “joke” was played on St. Peter and the tale teaches us all a lesson.
St. Peter didn’t take on his position as gate-keeper without some training. In the Italian tale “St. Peter and His Sisters,” we will take a look at a sober tale on how St. Peter learned a valuable lesson in learning how a person’s soul is rightfully judged:
St. Peter has two sisters, one large the other small. The little one entered a convent and became a num, while the older married, despite her brother’s protests. After St. Peter became the “Porter of Heaven,” Jesus comes to him and requests that St. Peter decorate the Heavens and open the door wide for a very deserving soul was to arrive. St. Peter was happy in the thought that this was his younger sister. When everything was ready, lo and behold, the soul was not that of his younger sister, but of his older; whom left many children behind lamenting her lose. St. Peter is shocked when Jesus gives her an exalted place in Heaven. When his younger sister finally arrives, there is no pomp and circumstance, and the gate is left open only a smidge. She does all she can to get through the gate, and when she does she is given a lower place than that of her elder sister. St. Peter is dumb-struck once again. Jesus explains to him that “every profession has its merits, and every one, if he only wishes, can enter heaven.”
Obviously by now, St. Peter is firmly established in his job, so here is a joke, with the same theme.
Two men, a taxi driver and a priest, arrive at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter awaits. He takes the taxi driver to a mansion,where there is every kind of anemnity that you could ever wish for. The priest of course is thinking that he’s going to get an even BETTER mansion, so it was much to his dismay when St. Peter takes him to a rickety old shack. The priest is confused and tells St. Peter that he made a terrible mistake exclaiming: “I was a priest; I went to church every day and preached the word of God!” St. Peter calmly replies: “Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons the congregation slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”
Guardianship of the "Gates of Heaven" is not an easy job, yet St. Peter takes it all in stride. His days are spent fraternizing with the multitudes of people seeking to gain entry into Heaven. However, he is always fair and will gladly allow you the chance to prove your worth, if needed. He has a wonderful appreciation of the human foil able and is often the perpetrator of many "jokes" played on the newly dead. Despite the seriousness of his job, St. Peter does see the humor in it and, at times, takes full advantage of his position:
Three men enter Heaven and are told by St. Peter there is one rule they must follow: Do NOT STEP ON THE DUCKS. This was no easy task, as the entire ground was covered with them. The first man fails miserably. St Peter appears and binds the man with a very ugly woman. The second man fails as well, and he too is bound with an ugly woman. The third man, being ever so careful, does his best to not step on a duck. After a long time, St. Peter finally appears and chains him to a beautiful woman; but before the man can ask St. Peter what he did to deserve this blessing, St. Peter leaves. He turns to the beautiful woman and happily remarks “I can’t imagine what I did to deserve this?” The woman replies: “All I know is that I stepped on a duck!”
It is not uncommon for St. Peter to play the prankster, for he has met everyone from the “dumbest blonde” to Albert Einstein. He is never star-struck by whom he meets, and he’s met many. He’s encountered people from different cultures, races, creeds and occupations. Some of which he is favorable to and others not; and that really all depends on whose telling the joke.
Nothing ruffles his feathers; and he knows how to use certain vices to his advantage:
Two men die and go to Heaven. St. Peter apologetically greets them saying: “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.” The first guy replies- “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” “No problem,” replies St. Peter, and POOF! The man is gone. Turning to the other gentleman St. Peter asks: “And what do you want to be? “I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply. “Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit.”
Now playing for one eternity only: St. Peter, Heaven’s Headliner!
