Guest Author - Kimberly White
Your son came home from your ex's house without his favorite toy -- again -- and by tonight he'll be crying for it. When you ask why he didn't bring it home, he says the other parent wants it left at their house.
This is a common child custody and visitation issue, and the person who gets hurt is usually your child. So what can you do? The best way to handle this issue depends largely on where you are in the divorce process, and whether you can convince your ex to act in the best interest of your child.
If your divorce is pending, you could ask your attorney to motion for a stipulation in your parenting plan that each parent will allow the child to decide where he wants his toys. If there is a history of abuse, or if you have sole custody, you could ask the court to allow you to decide where toys are kept. It's a good idea to spell out how any potential visitation issues will be handled in your parenting plan, anyway.
However, that plan only works if both parents cooperate. The other parent may still manage to "forget" to return things or "lose" them. We all know people who seem to care more about punishing the other parent than they do about their children's well-being. Just make sure you are not that parent, and that this is truly an issue that bothers your child before addressing it.
If you are the only one disturbed by your ex not sending items back home with your child, then work on letting go. Fighting can be a sign that you are trying to hang on to the relationship.
When a family therapist is involved, he or she can be a helpful resource for resolving child custody and parenting issues like this. A family mediator may also be helpful, so ask the court how to find one. Your county may even provide one free of charge if you meet financial eligibility criteria.
Consider asking your child what they would like to do about the situation. Your child may surprise you and want to tell the other parent how he feels, or he may respond fearfully to the idea. Respect your child's feelings and document any problems, preferably talking with a therapist about them as soon as you can.
Brainstorm creative solutions to the problem with your child. Make a game of dressing him in old clothes and sending old toys to which he is not attached to the other parent's home. Show your child that he can change the situation by changing his attitude.
If you cannot resolve the situation to meet your child's needs, if your ex is difficult or abusive, and if your child is fearful of having the situation addressed directly, you may need to provide duplicate items for him to keep at your house if you can afford to. If you cannot afford to buy duplicates, and if the situation distresses your child, you may have no choice but to take the issue to court.
