Guest Author - Kelli Deister
We have all heard the statements made by parents that their children fight like cats and dogs. We have all also heard what comes next - it's normal childhood behavior. Parents assure us that it is normal behavior between brothers and sisters. Most people accept this as truth. I want to pose a question to my readers. At what point does this behavior towards one another become abusive? How do parents know when it is abusive in nature?
From my research, I have learned that the professionals look for repetitiveness in the behavior. In other words, a brother that hits another brother is not necessarily being abusive. It may just be a struggle over a toy that they both want. It may also be a struggle over dominance at that moment. This, I believe, is considered to be normal behavior between brothers. However, what if Tommy begins hitting Johnny every day in an attempt to win his way over everything? What if, everytime Johnny walks past Tommy, Tommy trips him or smacks him on the head? Is this normal behavior? Or is it abusive behavior? Personally, due to the repetitiveness of Tommy's behavior, I would have to say it is abusive in nature.
Girls often behave in different ways than boys do. For instance, Betty might ridicule Dorothy on a daily basis. Perhaps Betty tells Dorothy how ugly she is everyday, on their way to school. Or maybe Betty calls Dorothy nasty names each day. Is this normal behavior between sisters? Or is it abusive in nature? Again, if it is repetitive, it is considered to be abusive in nature.
I realize this is a touchy subject, but I do want to draw attention to what is normal behavior between brothers and sisters regarding their bodies. While there is, when they are young, behavior that is acted upon out of curiousity, there is also behavior that is inappropriate and screams of possible sexual abuse. Once the curiousity peaks, parents must sit their children down and explain the necessity of privacy and the fact that each person's body belongs to only them and no one else has the right to touch it or explore it. If Betty complains to their mother that Tommy has been coming into her bedroom at night time and touching her, this is to be taken quite seriously!
Do parents in today's society take name-calling seriously and consider it inappropriate behavior? Or do they consider it to be normal childhood behavior? Is so, at what point do they feel it is no longer appropriate and is abusive in nature? Do they quote the famous line, "Sticks and bones may break my bones..." Parents must realize that abuse comes in many forms. It's not just physical abuse that must be stopped. It is all forms of abuse, including physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and sexual.
When one child is obviously afraid of their sibling, something must be done! If the child is doing everything they can to stay away from their sibling and avoid them, this is apparently a tell-tale sign that something is amiss. It is not to be ignored or taken lightly. When one child comes to their parents and tries to tell them what is happening, it is important for the parent to listen attentively and deal with the situation head-on. The parent simply cannot ignore the problem and wait for it to go away because chances are it will not disappear.
When a child confides in their parents and tells them what they are enduring, I do not believe it is in the best interest of either of the children involved that the parent sit the children down together. This will only worsen the situation between the children. Instead, the best possible solution would be to sit each child down individually and take it from there, while assuring the victimized child that it will no longer be tolerated, as well as informing the abusive child that their behavior is no longer acceptable and there will be consequences.
Parents can work to stop any potential abuse from occuring by sitting all of their children down and informing them all of the rules within the home, as well as what boundaries are in place to ensure that everyone is safe in the home. Parents must speak in a manner in which all children will understand, such as calling certain behaviors as they are - abusive. Parents can go over the consequences for bad behavior; however, they must also make very sure that they are consistent enough to follow through each and every time.
Inconsistency only breeds further abuses from occuring. When a child has been caught hurting one of their siblings, in any form, the parent should then discipline that child, accordingly. For obvious reasons, the parent does not want to spank or hit the child at fault because that only encourages that type of behavior between the children. Again, consistency is key! Parents can also teach their children that saying, "No!" is completely acceptable in the home and that they have a right to protect their own body, in every way. These are just a few ways in which the parents can work to ensure safety for all of their children within the home.
The bottom line is that all children deserve to be safe within their home. Parents must step up to the plate and offer lessons and examples on appropriate behaviors and actions. They must also be consistent in all aspects of their home environment. This will help to ensure that no one is abused in the home and that all children are safe.
