Marriage and divorce are two sides of the same coin. This week I have two outstanding books, one on each topic. Both books are written by excellent authors with suitable qualifications for writing about these topics.
Fall in Love Stay in Love, by Willard F. Harley, Jr. helps both the man and the woman understand each other and how to make their marriage work. He was trained as a marriage therapist but realized that people in his profession did not understand enough about making marriages work to help those in trouble. I think this is a rather startling admission. It shows the poor quality of education provided to psychologists, marriage counselors, and perhaps other counselors.
Dr. Harley found a key to helping marriages work. He explains how he arrived at his theories in chapter one. From questioning couples in trouble, he found they married because they made each other feel good – something they called “love”. After many successes and failures, he began to help these couples by asking them what it would take for them to feel good about their spouse again – then he focused on helping them achieve that again.
There are 4 parts to this book. The first part explains his method of saving marriages. He introduces the concept of a “love bank.” Then he explores the instincts and habits of men and women.
The love bank concept is something I’ve not read about before. Making love bank deposits is the topic of Part 2. Here the couple learns how to make the other partner happy. This includes caring for each other, meeting emotional needs of the other party, and learning to pay undivided attention to your partner. He provides much food for thought in this section.
Part 3 teaches the couple how to avoid making “love bank withdrawals” – actions or words that hurt your partner’s feeling of love for you. The couple is helped in learning to overcome those actions that can destroy the feeling of love, and, in the worst case scenario, lead to divorce.
The final section, teaches spouses how to negotiate in their marriage. No one can have their way all the time. This chapter could easily be applied to any friendship—whether it is between just women or just men. Most friends have problems with the relationship at sometime or another.
Divorce—the Opposite of Marriage!
When the One You Love Wants to Leave is difficult to read. It is a book directed primarily at women because it assumes that the husband is the one leaving. It talks about problems that interfere in marriage leading to the husband’s desire to leave. The final chapters help the woman determine how long to wait for her husband to come back or to make the final decision to leave.
Dr. Harvey, the author, is an experienced counselor and teacher. He has dealt with hundreds of couples in crisis. This book provides a sound understanding to what is happening and how to cope with the emotional fallout of a marriage breaking up.
Recommendation
Since 50 percent of marriages today, both in the secular society and in the church, wind up in divorce, these books will be a valuable resource in your church library, on your therapist’s bookshelf, or at the local public library. I’m divorced and wish I had known some of the information provided when I was still married. May I suggest you pick up the book most suitable for you? You’ll find it easy reading this summer since both these books is written for the lay-person.
