Guest Author - L. Drea Strasser

Dating your ex is just like dating anyone else, just seemingly more convenient. But there are some questions you should think about before jumping into what could later be known as “Bad Decision, #2”.

Why do you want to get back together?

Do you miss the memory of the person or do you miss the person? Are you walking down memory lane because you’re lonely? This is important to figure out before starting any relationship, not just one with your ex. You need to be sure you’re in it for the right reasons.

Why did things end the first time around?

Don’t romanticize the past relationship. Were you always fighting? Over what? If there were circumstances that led to irritation in your relationship, how are things different now?

Do you still have something in common?

If it has been awhile since the first go-round, making sure that you have things to talk about and do together is important. If you were just beginning a new relationship, this is something you would be looking to find out, right?

Do you still have chemistry?

Most likely, the answer to this question is “yes”, or you wouldn’t be considering getting back together. But making sure that you connect well is another way to determine if you’re remembering the past, or starting fresh.

Other questions may pop into your head as you begin the dating process. Allow them to come, and think on them. Allow yourself to enjoy your new relationship as your explore the answers. The worst thing you can do is sabotage your current happiness because you’re in fear of the past.

As you discover answers, you may find that there were things that ended the first relationship that you can’t stand to happen again. For instance, was s/he absolutely unreachable? Was getting “alone time” impossible? Did s/he pick her teeth after dinner with whatever was handy? Try to figure out what you can live with this time around, and what you cannot.

Set some reasonable boundaries for yourself. You don’t want to say “if she picks her teeth, I’m leaving”, but say something more general and pointed like “I want to speak with her about how frustrating her picking her teeth is when I’ve just finished eating”. Have a response in mind ahead of time, and don’t be afraid to use it. Just make sure that the example you’re making an issue is one that is truly important to you. Don’t make every minute detail into a crisis. Pick your battles, and be willing to compromise as well.

Keep in mind that boundaries are healthy, and that you don’t want to go crazy with them. You don’t want to end up guarding you heart to the point of being cold to the one you’re romancing. Every so often, do a check of the situation to look for balance. Make sure you’re not getting carried away by too many boundaries, or that you have too few.

No matter what, the point is this: Do you make each other happy this time around? If you’re able to be happy with this person, regardless of if you’ve been there before, then maybe this “second chance” will turn out to be with your true love.