Deciding whether to leave or to stay in a marriage is a HUGE decision that will impact every moment of your future, your partner's future and your kid's future as well. Because of this, it's a decision that should not be taken lightly or made on the spur of the moment.
There is no right or wrong. Each person has to make the decision for him or herself. Here are 7 aspects that must be carefully considered.
1. DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU CONTRIBUTED TO THE DYSFUNCTIONAL PATTERNS AND PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE?
And do you accept at least some responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage?
We all tend to bring some unresolved issues from our childhood or previous relationships into our current marriage. We unconsciously seek out a partner who we feel will help us to heal and to resolve past hurts. But this often backfires. Your partner cannot heal your emotional wounds. That is up to you to do.
Take the case of Amanda, who had an abusive, alcoholic father. She married Tim, who was also an abusive drunk. She unconsciously recreated her own childhood in order to heal the trauma, but she soon found out that it couldn't be done. Amanda sought the help of a competent marriage therapist who help her see the link between her childhood and her marriage. With the help of the therapist she worked through her childhood issues and stopped accepting the blame for Tim's drunken rages. She gave him an ultimatum, her or his bottle. He choose to keep drinking so she divorced him and is now happily married to a wonderful man who is nothing like her father and ex-husband.
2. ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM SOMETHING?
If it's your spouse's abuse or addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling) that you are running from, then by all means run as fast as you fast as you can and don't stop until you are safe.
If you are running away from an unhappy marriage then you need to realize that while you can run away from your spouse, you cannot run away from yourself. If you don't know what caused the marriage to fail in the first place, you won't be able to prevent the same mistake from occurring again and again.Ignorance means that you will find yourself repeating the same pattern or marrying a similar partner. (That's how come some people go through multiple divorces)
3. ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING ON YOUR OWN?
Are you staying only because you are afraid of being on your own? Or do you feel that you'll never meet anyone else?
If fear of being alone is the only thing holding you back, then perhaps it's time to move on.
4. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR SPOUSE SUDDENLY DIED?
This question might just jolt you into realizing what your husband or wife means to you. Sometimes we get so caught up and focused on what we dislike about our partner that we overlook what we love.
Would you miss specific character traits (she's so warm and caring) or just what he does (He does the laundry and the dishes and always fixed your car)?
5. WHAT WOULD YOU DAILY LIFE BE LIKE WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER?
Right now all you can probably see is what your partner isn't doing. But take some time to think about what your partner contributes to the marriage/ What will life be like without your wife's home cooked meals? Or how will you make ends meet without your husband's salary? Who will help out with the kids?
Do you have the resources and the support system to cope with the additional responsibilities that being on your own will entail?
6. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE IMPACT OF THE DIVORCE ON YOUR KIDS?
Divorce dramatically impacts your child's life and is one of the most devastating things a child can go through.
Many parents stay together for the sake of the kids, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, provided that there isn't a lot of hostility and fighting.
On the other hand if you are fighting all the time, then it will probably be better for your kids if you divorce. (Although I would recommend that you seek marital counselling first)
Deciding whether to stay or to go is a difficult and complex decision that should never be taken lightly or made in the heat of emotion. Take time to really think through all of these issues and get help if you need it.
If you are deciding if you should get a divorce or stay married then I highly recommend the following resources.
Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
