Guest Author - Karen Ledbetter
This book realistically explains all aspects from deciding to search to making contact and eventual reunion, and it’s written in a way that the average person can understand. Topics covered include reasons for searching, telling (adoptive) parents of the decision to search, how to search, making contact, reunion, and post-reunion. Adoptees and birth mothers share their own stories of search and reunion throughout the book as well. Although this book was primarily written as a search and reunion guide, the authors point out that having no desire to search is okay, too. I came away with the impression that what’s right for one adoptee may not be the best choice for another, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with either choice.
The first chapter discusses reasons for searching, and several adoptees discuss their individual reasons for searching and their feelings about being adopted. The authors explain that an adoptee who chooses to search may feel like a part of him/her is missing, no matter how much s/he loves her adoptive family. Reasons for searching include a person’s need to know a biological relative—someone s/he resembles physically. For the adoptee, connecting with a birth relative can fill the void by giving him/her a sense of continuity with his/her biological heritage. According to “Where Are My Birth Parents?” an adoptee growing up in a transcultural family may feel a stronger sense of not belonging. The authors’ example was Jewish family experiencing stares and questions whenever they entered a temple with their Asian-born daughter. The authors reiterated the fact that an adoptee can feel “different” and still feel love in his/her (adoptive) family.
The next chapter deals with an adoptee’s telling his/her parents of the desire to search. Issues discussed include the adoptee’s fear in telling his/her adoptive parents, the adoptive parents’ fears and insecurities, reasons that adoptive parents may or may not support this decision, and how searching affects an adoptee’s relationship with his/her parents. This chapter enables an adoptee to better understand his/her adoptive parents’ feelings regarding search and reunion.
The third and fourth chapters discuss where to begin a search, as well as the ups and downs that an adoptee may experience while searching. The authors advise that the adoptive parents may be an excellent source of information. Often they may know details that, for some reason, have never been shared with their child. Once an adoptee has all the information needed, there are emotional aspects to consider. The authors discuss the importance of an adoptee’s exploring his/her expectations of his/her birth mother/father and considering all possible results of his/her first contact, including shock, acceptance, joy, and rejection.
The section on reunion explores many potential issues, including the emotional aspects. No matter how much an adoptee and his/her birth mother may want a reunion, many negative emotions enter the scene, including anger, frustration, sadness, pain, and fear.
As an adoptive mother, I found the chapters discussing birth mothers and the searching experiences of several adoptees most informative, helping me understand adoption from the other two sides of the triad. This book pointed out issues that I never considered. Although the book is intended for older teens and young adults, I highly recommend that adoptive parents read it as well.
“Where Are My Birth Parents?” was published in 1998 by Walker and Company and can be ordered through Amazon.com.
