Guest Author - Kris Bigalk
Having twins changes a couple's relationship in many ways. The usual stresses that occur with one baby—including financial strains, time constraints, emotional upheavals, and just plain overtiredness—can be multiplied when multiples come into the picture. Many twin parents feel disconnected from their partners because they spend most of their time directly or indirectly focusing on the twins.
Cherishing, caring for, and loving your children is very important. But it's also important to nurture your marriage. As one of my readers asked me once, "But how? When?" It's not easy, especially when your twins are small. But there are a few things almost every twin mom and dad can do to improve their relationship.
Schedule "Talk Time"
My husband and I spend at least an hour every night talking. Our usual rule is that we will not talk about the kids, the house, or other mundane, day-to-day things. At first, this was difficult, since I was staying at home and he was working all day. Then I started listening to National Public Radio, either on my computer, in the car, or at home—and so did he. I put some interesting magazines in the bathroom, and we both read them in those few moments of private time we had there. Then we had something to talk about, and enjoyed learning more about the world and each other.
Institute "Date Night"
Dates don't have to be expensive. While it would be great if every couple could have one night away from the kids to go out on the town, the cost of dinner, entertainment, and a sitter for twins can go over $100 fairly quickly. If "date night" every week is not in your budget, consider one special date a month, and "home dates" on the other weekends. To have a "home date", just put the twins to bed a little early, break out the candles, and fix an easy supper (or order delivery or take-out). Even a frozen pizza and some inexpensive wine seem grand with some candlelight and soft music. Really.
Communicate During the Day
I don't mean those panicky calls to your spouse about the kids, groceries, or other necessities. I mean little love e-mails, notes, calls, text messages, or other romantic, non-time-consuming ways to let someone know you love him or her. Remind your spouse of a cherished memory you have about him or her. Or just write "I love you" on a slip of paper and tape it to the steering wheel of his/her car. There are lots of little ways you can say big things, and keep the day-to-day business of running the household from overrunning your relationship.
Take Care of the Big Problems
If there is a very large, important problem that is eclipsing everything else in the relationship—financial hardship, depression, addiction, or another ongoing issue that you and your spouse find yourself clashing over all the time, with no resolution—it's time to get some professional help, from a marriage counselor or other professional. If you're hesitating, wondering if you should wait until things get worse, don't. Most people wait too long to go to counseling, which limits their chances of saving the marriage. If you have no idea where to turn to get help with the problem, contact The United Way by calling 2-1-1, and/or refer to my article on Resources for Twin Parents.
