Are you new to your job? If so, learn how to get fired quickly and soundly, without fail. I offer a little tongue-in-cheek advice on how to get fired; and some keys to keeping your job.

Tips for getting fired

Lie on your resume: hey, it is just a little fib, a white lie that can't hurt anyone.

Actually, a little fib on a resume can hurt you. However you say it, if it is not true and it is found out, you will be viewed as a dishonest person. You cannot explain this away. If you do manage to convince the interviewer that you had a good reason for the fib and you do get the job, there may be lingering doubt about your character. The small lie can keep you from moving forward.

Set your goal to be late two or three days a week: be sure to give a wide smile when you walk in, say how sorry you are and tell your tale about what went wrong that morning. Don't forget to ask in a loud whisper if the boss is in her office.

Chronic lateness, no matter the reason is always frowned upon. If you have early morning duties that may keep you from getting to work on time, be honest and tell your boss about your problem. Ask if you can come 1/2 hour late and stay 1/2 hour after close of business. You may also ask if you can take a 1/2 hour lunch instead of an hour. If these suggestions are not doable, seek another alternative to arriving late, including talking to your boss about your situation.

Spend time on social media sites: be sure to complain about your boss and the company. Don't forget to complain about the unfairness of your heavy workload. Let everyone know that you hate where you are and plan to quit as soon as you find another job.

Your boss may not be as Internet savvy as you are, but then again he may be. Don't join a social site to look for another job. Even if you pay extra to join the keep your account private, having a private account on a job seeking site may seem suspicious to some.

Don't use illness as an excuse for staying home then post "LOL" shout out messages to friends from Atlantic City. Posting a photograph of you holding a drink on a social media site is never a good idea, even when you have a legitimate reason (vacation, a day off) for doing so.

In a poor job market or any job market, it is best to take care not to become a statistic of the unemployed.