Guest Author - Michelle Taylor
Back before my husband, David and I got married, we attended pre-marital counseling.
Our pastor required it of couples before he would marry them. In this day and age of throwaway marriages, it makes a great deal of sense. Actually, we had already sought out some counseling early in our relationship, because we knew it was getting serious, and we had some valid concerns that most newlyweds don’t have to think about.
This was going to be my second marriage, and I was bringing two children from my first marriage into the relationship with me. My fiancée however, had never been married and had no children of his own. So he was getting an instant family. My children had already lost one father to divorce; I did not want them to experience a second loss. Especially my daughter, being only 2 years old she had developed a very strong attachment to David.
The other thing that I did not want to risk was my very strong friendship with David.
He and I had met when we were kids, in middle school. We were both on the “gifted track” so for the rest of our middle and high school years we always had at least 3 classes together. We had never dated during those years, we were just good friends.
My divorce was finalized just in time for my high school’s 10 year reunion, and David and I met back up. We started dating just as friends. We laugh about that now. We dated just as friends for a year. But seriously, we never held hands, we never kissed, we never crossed that romantic line. Me because I was afraid to try, him because he did not want to take advantage of me in a delicate emotional state.
But after a year we realized it was kind of silly to keep pretending (to ourselves at least) we were just friends, so we decided to take the next step. It wasn’t long afterwards that we realized that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. So after two years of dating, we were talking marriage.
But I still had this one little nagging doubt; was I using David, my good friend, because I didn’t want to be alone? After all, our relationship had not progressed the way every other one I had ever been in had gone. So we went to see David’s childhood pastor and he explained to us about The 4 Stages of Love.
Stage 1 Attractive Love - this is when you see that person and you are physically attracted to them from the very beginning. Being sexually attracted to someone falls into this stage. Liking a person’s smile, their eyes, their sense of humor – these are all part of attractive love. This is that part that scientists would say keeps the species going.
Stage 2 Emotional Love - this is the stage where you are becoming a little more invested. You start to “feel” something for the other person. Being around them makes you happy, being separated for even a few hours feels like forever. If you get into a fight, nothing in your day goes right until you can speak and make things up again. Your emotions are totally caught up within this person.
Stage 3 Friendship Love - this differs from Emotional Love in that you are separate people again, but still need each other. This is more mature. Your love is your best friend. You can tell him anything, good or bad. I remember recognizing David was my best friend when the doctor found a large lump in my breast. Before, this was news I would have shared with my husband. Now I no longer had him. David was the first person I thought of.
Stage 4 Committed Love - this is the love that will make a marriage last. Committed love is a choice, not a feeling. Every day we wake up beside our spouse we have to make the choice whether to love them. Because the attraction and the emotions – those are fleeting things that can change. A car accident can take a person’s looks. Running 3 kids around to different sports practices can dim the fire of emotions. So we choose to love our partner.
Normally a relationship follows these steps. Ours didn’t, and that is where I got a little confused. David and I started at stage 3, Friendship love, and then developed attractive love and emotional love. So I was scared of losing my friend if things went wrong. The pastor reassured us and said the fact that we started at Friendship just gave us a stronger foundation.
Because that is what moving through these different phases does for a couple – it lays the foundation for a lifetime commitment, a marriage where a pre-nup is never needed. Each stage is stronger, tougher, and can endure more.
The 4 Stages take work and they take time, but they are worth it. This is the person you want to spend your life with. The final stage is Committed love. Commitment, loyalty, fidelity, devotion; all of these words lead up to one thing – eternity.
So build your relationship, make the foundation strong, and live forever with the one you love.
