Guest Author - Karen Ledbetter
Questions usually arise as your child reaches different stages of development, and as s/he feels the need for specific information. Simple, direct, yet honest, answers seem to be the best approach for our family.
I recently asked several adoptive and birth mothers to share some of the questions their children have asked about adoption. The questions included:
? Do I have two moms?
? What’s my birth mother’s name?
? What’s her last name?
? What does she look like?
? Can we go see her?
? Did she hold me in the hospital?
? Why didn´t my other mom want to keep me?
? Do you think she misses me?
? Are her children my brother and sister?
? Why did she keep the others but not me?
? Wasn’t I cute enough?
? Does she love me?
? Was she nice? (notice the past tense)
? What was she like? (notice the past tense)
? Is Daddy my birth father?
? What’s my birth father’s name?
? Do you think God is taking care of my other family?
? Why does God give babies to mother´s who can´t keep them? (This question resulted in a long talk about ´free will´ or choices that humans make and the fact that God was always with each of our children, especially during hard times)
? Do you think my other mom knows today is my birthday?
? Do you think I’ll be able to find my (half) brother when I get 18 and he’s 18?
? Is my birth mother dead?
? I want a baby sister. Will you call the adoption agency so we can get one?
One mother shared this poignant observation and question from her child adopted from the state foster care system:
? I haven´t seen my angel(s) for a long time, like since I moved in with you guys. Do you think my angel is staying with someone else who needs watching over more than I do now? I mean, it is safe here...
In an open adoption, a child may visit one or both of his/her birth parents. One birth mother reported being asked:
? Why did you give me up?
? Do you love me?
? Can I call you when I want to?
? Can I call you mom?
Children adopted by a birth parent’s new spouse may have questions regarding the birth parent they don’t live with:
? Where does s/he live?
? How come we never see him/her?
? Can we go visit him/her?
According to Lois Gilman in “The Adoption Resource Book” other questions include:
? What is adoption?
? Why do some children need to be adopted?
? Why couldn’t I be born to you?
? Where is my (birth) mother/father now?
? Did I have another name when I was born?
? How do you know my birthday?
? Did you buy me?
? Why did you adopt me?
Adoption professional Laurie Elliott works as a court-appointed agent to assist adult and adolescent adoptees that are searching for their birth family members. Since most of her clients were placed in completely closed adoptions, they have the questions above, plus:
? Where was I born?
? What time was I born?
? Does anyone else in my birth family know about me?
? How old were my birth parents when I was born?
? Do I have any biological siblings?
? Are there any medical concerns I should know about?
? If I called my birth parents or wanted to meet them some day, what would they do?
Adoption is a lifelong process, indeed, with many questions along the way. Adoptive parents (and birth parents in open adoption situations) can help their children understand their adoption by answering questions directly and honestly.
