I�ve painted the unpleasant side of divorce to help you realize that it may not necessarily be the solution to your unhappiness. Then I pointed out some of advantages of marriage and staying married.

But life does have hitches and will always be full of obstacles, threatening the stability of married life. I now want to share some tips on how to save your marriage when you sense that it�s on the rocks or needs a makeover.



Men and women perceive emotion, communication, sex, fidelity, work and money because of the way they were socialized and because they have been shaped by their own parents perceptions.

They bring these ideas into their marriage and hence have their own baggage of beliefs regarding what is tolerable and intolerable in a marriage, what they have to give their spouse and what to expect in return.

Writing the book, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered ,authors Heatherington and Kelly illustrate this point more clearly when they mention the different ways men and women choose a partner:

" Women approach love as informed consumers. They kick the tires, look under the hood, run the motor, check the mileage. Women love love, but being practical-minded, not enough to ignore potential defects. Good looks and romantic love matter to a woman, but in considering potential suitors, a woman also looks at the practical, such as a suitor�s economic prospects, emotional stability, trustworthiness, and what kind of father he will be. Despite a reputation for practicality, males come off as hopeless romantics. They are much more prone to fall head-over-heels in love and also more prone to idealize the object of their affection. If the bodywork is good and the grille pretty, often a man will buy on the spot, no questions asked."


It takes practice to learn that gender differences do not constitute threats to a marriage, but a cause for celebration and an opportunity to expand an individuals sphere of experience.


Try to remember that your partner is not your mirror image. In a loving, effective partnership, individuality and separateness are wholesome concepts that each spouse must work at.

Bill Cosby, the famous American comedian and still married to the same woman, said that these gender differences - that women are not just men who can have babies and men are not just women who spike footballs - give marriage its vitality, its dynamics and its delight. He says, "Americans may like the style called unisex, but the wiser French have a devout appreciation of the wonder they call la difference."

A true understanding and appreciation of these gender differences should therefore lead us to the proper notion of a marriage. While many people view marriage as a fusion, making two separate individuals one, we must still keep our own unique identity and personality and appreciate our partner for the unique individual he or she is.


Marriage is ultimately about two relatively whole individuals coming together to create a union that can be even greater than the sum of the parts. But each of us must always be aware that a lack of self-confidence is own separate job to fix. We can look to our mate for support, but not for magical solutions.
For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered
Kinder and Cowan

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