# Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

# Movie nudity is virtually always female.

# You know stuff about tanks.

# A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

# Monday Night Football.

# Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

# You can open all your own jars.

# Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

# Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

# When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

# Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

# A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

# Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

# You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

# You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

# Your last name stays put.

# You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

# When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

# You can kill your own food.

# The garage is all yours.

# You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

# Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

# You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

# Wedding plans take care of themselves.

# If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

# Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

# None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry.

# You don't have to shave below your neck.

# If your 34 and single nobody notices.

# You can write your name in the snow.

# Everything on your face stays its original color.

# Chocolate is just another snack.

# You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

# Flowers fix everything.

# You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

# You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

# Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

# You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

# You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

# Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

# Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

# You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

# You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

# Car mechanics tell you the truth.

# You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

# You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me."

# The world is your urinal.

# You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

# Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.

# One mood, all the time.

# You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

# You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

# You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

# Same work....more pay.

# Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

# Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

# You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

# You don't mooch off others' desserts.

# If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

# The remote is yours and yours alone.

# People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.

# You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

# Bachelor parties beats bridal showers.

# You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

# You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

# If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.

# Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

# If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

# The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

# You think the idea of punting a small dog or a cat is funny.

# If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

# New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

# You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

# Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

# Baywatch!

# There is always a game on somewhere.