Allow these puns from yesteryear to put a smile on your face.

When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.
Little Mary, quite contrary,
How does your appetite grow?
Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,
And a "friend" to supply all the dough!
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"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."

"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but—er—circumstances alter cases, you know."
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PLAYWRIGHT—"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then——"

MANAGER CONN—"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"
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To-morrow never comes, they say;
But all such talk is idle gush,
For when we have a debt to pay
To-morrow gets there with a rush.
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"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."
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"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes sir."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes sir."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three dollars a dozen."
"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."
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SHE—"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"
HE—"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."
SHE—"How do you make that out?"
HE—"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a million heir, of course."
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"I'm afraid the bed is not long enough for you," said the landlord to a seven-foot guest.
"Never mind," he replied; "I'll add two more feet to it when I get in."
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"When Mr. Casey died he left all he had to an orphan asylum."
"Indeed! That was nice of him. What did he leave?"
"His twelve children."
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"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
"Well! Well!"
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"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
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"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
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