Sunday, August 24, 2003

Tony and I spent the entire weekend together. It was nice to do some things together since he’s been working a lot lately. I’m getting kind of bored being alone so much. However, we did argue a few times over the weekend. My nerves are just shot right now and any little thing sets me off instantly. I guess it’s just the stress of everything going on; I’m like a rubber band ready to snap. I will say that the waiting is killing me. I’m so ready to just get this over with. It seems to be taking forever for it to get here and the longer it seems to take the more anxious I seem to get. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to this, but I think just getting it over with will offer me some relief. I’m spending all my time right now thinking about it and reading as much as I can, and you can only really do so much of that. I found a couple of really good sites on the Internet for hysterectomy support, much better than any of the books I’ve found so far. The women are so supportive and reply very quickly to any posts.

My concern right now is getting through this with Tony. They say that going through something like this will either bring you closer or tear you apart, and I don’t want it to cause problems. I just don’t know how to make him see that right now if I seem to be withdrawn it’s not because of him, that’s just my way of dealing. No matter how much he wants me to be different, I just have to deal with this in my own way. I’m not trying to hurt him by being this way, it’s just me. I’ve even posted on one of the sites with a request for advice for him to help him get through this because I don’t want him to feel left out and he’s gotten a couple of replies. I’m just at a loss right now, it’s so hard to give him the things he needs from me right now because I don’t even feel like I’m whole at the moment. I’m hoping that things will improve, I just seem to be so angry right now about all this and I don’t know how to do the whole loving sensitive thing. I feel like I’ve been robbed of the one thing that mattered the most to me…being a mommy. Every so often that just smacks me in the face, I’m never going to have a baby. It just seems so unreal. There just aren’t words to describe the feeling and I find it very difficult to talk about it because if I allow myself to be vulnerable and cry over this I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. It just seems easier to keep it to myself. Although, that may not be the best either, since I have been breaking out in itchy little bumps for the past week or so and I have a feeling it’s due to stress. Aw, hell, I’m just so sick and tired of all of this, I can’t wait until this is over and all of this is behind me once and for all!

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After suffering two miscarriages, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, endometriosis, and Grave’s Disease, Amanda has chosen to have a hysterectomy to relieve her pain. She had surgery on September 9, 2003.

Check back daily for new installments of “Amanda’s Story.”