Monday, August 18, 2003

Well things are obviously starting to get to me. Today I had my first breakdown. This is the first time I’ve cried since scheduling my surgery a week ago. I’ve been trying so hard to stay strong because lord knows there are so many people out there who have it so much worse than I do. Tony and I have been bickering a lot lately, it seems that I have turned into a complete monster and don’t even realize it. We argue over stupid little things and I just get so mad and won’t even speak to him for the rest of the night. Then to top it off I started breaking out in hives tonight. I guess the stress is finally having its way with me.

I’ve been visiting a website for individuals with fertility problems every night for the past few nights in hopes of getting the support that I so desperately need. Who better to talk about these things than with the ones who’ve been through it, right? The only problem I’m having is that every time the topic of my hysterectomy comes up along with my age and diagnosis I have so many people trying to talk me out of it. I kinda feel this way about the whole thing: the women on these sites get so angry at how insensitive people can be about the problems they are experiencing and wish people would just mind their own business and quit offering unsolicited advice, right? Well, I didn’t ask for their medical opinions either, I just asked for some advice on dealing with this whole mess. My mind is made up and I am at peace with my decision, I’m just looking for some help in dealing with processing all of this. Like I told Tony today, I don’t want to do this, but I know in my mind and in my heart that it is what I need to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept that I will never have a child. It hurts now just as bad as it did in the beginning and I’m sure it will hurt just as bad 30, 40, and even 50 years down the road. Just because I’ve accepted it, doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Well, tonight’s going to be a short one, I took Darvocet for the pain, and Benadryl for the hives so I think it’s about time for me to hit the sack.

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After suffering two miscarriages, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, endometriosis, and Grave’s Disease, Amanda has chosen to have a hysterectomy to relieve her pain. She had surgery on September 9, 2003.

Check back daily for new installments of “Amanda’s Story.”