Saturday, August 16, 2003

Well, I’m not really sure how things are going. I’ve been so busy the past few days that I haven’t really taken the time to deal with any of this. Tony’s little boy moved to Texas to live with his Mom, so the past couple of days were spent getting his stuff packed into his Mom’s car and spending time with them. Now I’m busying myself coming up with cooking food to freeze so that we’ll have something decent to eat while I’m recovering. At Tony’s suggestion I will not be working before surgery because he wants me to spend the time with him and getting myself prepared mentally and physically for what I’m about to go through. I feel pretty guilty about that, seeing as Tony and I only recently got back together, moved in together, got a puppy, and got engaged. Things are just so out of control right now. My mind is running in a thousand different directions right now and I can’t seem to slow it down.

I keep waiting for a bomb to drop on me and for the realization of what I’m going to be going through in a few weeks to sink in, but it hasn’t. I know that the things I have planned that I want to get done beforehand really do need to get done, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m intentionally trying to create busy work in order to not think about what I really should be thinking about. This is such a confusing time in my life. I’m not sure what to do with all of this right now. I’m not sleeping at night, I’m up till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning on the computer just vegging out and I know I should be tired because my days are so packed with busy work, but I just can’t sleep. I’m a little nervous about being stuck inside for 6 weeks. We live in a third floor apartment so there won’t be any outings for me for quite a while. If I want fresh air I’ll have to sit on the balcony of the apartment and hope that does the trick.

I keep wondering why this is happening to me. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mommy. I can’t help but wonder if God didn’t see me as mother material and that’s why he chose this for me, but I know I could’ve done so much better than some women that are blessed with those beautiful bundles of joy. During times like this people tell you all sorts of things, but it’s hard to talk to someone who hasn’t been through an experience like this because no matter how hard they try, they just don’t get it. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason, and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but that doesn’t make the pain I feel any less real. I am trying so hard to force myself to realize that I will never have a child, but the thought of that is so surreal to me. I have this horrible fear that I’m going to be fine and then I’ll have the surgery, come home and this will all hit me and I’ll wonder what in the hell have I done. That is one of the scariest things to me, no matter how many books you read or how many people you ask, can you really be prepared for the aftermath of something like this when you have no idea how it’s going to feel?

Speaking of books I finally broke down and ordered some of the ones I found on the Internet, just to give me some idea as to what this will be like. I’m not really sure what some of these people were thinking when they titled these things. One in particular that I ordered calls us Castrated Women. Now, while in theory that may be the correct label, to me that seems just a little bit harsh. And what’s up with this idea that once a woman has a hysterectomy she is no longer a woman? There is so much more to being a woman than having a uterus and ovaries, how can anyone be so insensitive as to even suggest such a thing? There is just so much about society that I don’t understand. Why can’t people be a little more considerate when it comes to things like this? Wouldn’t they want at least that much respect if it was themselves or a loved one that was going through something like this?

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After suffering two miscarriages, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, endometriosis, and Grave’s Disease, Amanda has chosen to have a hysterectomy to relieve her pain. She had surgery on September 9, 2003.

Check back daily for new installments of “Amanda’s Story.”