Watching my little baby boy Dean this week, as he sat bouncing away in his little bouncer in front of the TV, I was enveloped by a number of memories of my little Craig who’s now in heaven. There were a couple of things that really hit home as I watched the cartoons beam across the room and into the attentive eyes of little Dean. The cartoon that was on was SpongeBob Squarepants and it so happened to be one of Craig’s favourite cartoons. As I watched Dean staring at the screen, I was transported back 3 years previously and in my mind’s eye could see Craig sitting there on the couch beside me glued to this cartoon.

I went into a kind of wide-eyed stare at this point, looking at Dean, but seeing only the vivid memory that played out in my mind. I could feel my eyes welling up and my chin begin to wobble as I relived some arbitrary conversation between Craig and I. It was the sound of his voice, although only fabricated in my mind, which brought the flood of emotion. I could hear him telling me to “be quiet” as I rudely talked over his cartoon. I could see the expression on his face and feel his presence as my mind wandered back in time and settled comfortably, but also painfully, into this normal life. In a flash I was transported to a cinema theatre where Craig and I sat watching SpongeBob Squarepants The Movie with Craig laughing at the screen while eating fistfuls of popcorn. I could see the light from the screen flickering across his face as I watched him. He was on my right hand side and I could see his side profile so clearly.

As I watched all this in my mind I felt a tear run down from my eye which brought my focus back to the present and back to Dean. He sat there in his bouncer with his beautiful wide blue eyes fixed on the screen, full of hope and joy and glorious naivety. I wiped the tears from my eyes and my movement caused Dean to turn away from the TV and to look right at me. He gave me the most beautiful smile, with those cheeky dimples of his and an energy that shone so powerfully from his eyes. I couldn’t but smile back at him and feel such an overwhelming love and joy in my heart.

I, like every other grieving parent out there, will have to suffer the turmoil of those conflicting emotions when looking back to ‘happier times’. The joy of those memories struggle for their rightful place with the hard sabotaging hand of grief always threatening to stifle and shadow their way. But while we still have those around us to love, and to be loved by, this can be softened over time and the true joy of those precious moments can triumphantly emerge to find their foothold once again.