The divorce of your parents is a major life change. It can affect where you live and go to school, when and how you get to see your parents, or even how you feel about yourself. Many adults whose parents divorced when they were younger say that it changed the way they looked at life forever. So just because divorce can be common and people may tell you to “get over it”, it is okay to feel like it is something big. Because it is.

When you are told that your parents are getting a divorce, it could happen a lot of ways. It could be a total shock. You might think that everything was fine and have no idea that your parents were thinking of ending their marriage. It could be something you have been wondering about for a while. Your parents could have been fighting and not getting along for some time. You might even think of it as a relief if the fighting and stress was really bad.

However it happens, you will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions. Shock, surprise, anger, guilt, sadness, and even happiness and relief. Any emotions you are feeling, even if they are totally opposites (relief and anger, for example), are perfectly normal. Your reaction will be unique to your situation and your personality. In fact, the only unusual reaction is no emotion at all. And if you feel that way, you may be in denial: not believing it is happening at all or that it affects you. If this is the case, be sure to try to get in contact with your true emotions, even if you are too embarrassed to share them with others.

You may feel like the divorce was your fault or that you should have done something about it. Made sure the house was clean, your younger siblings behaved better, or that you got higher grades. First, realize that it is highly unlikely you had anything to do with your parents’ divorce. Adults end their marriages for complicated reasons. Second, even though you know this in your brain, it is sometimes harder to stop feeling it in your heart and your gut and that is okay, too.

As your parents are going through the divorce, they will be determining who will now own what (cars, houses, possessions) and where they and you will live. Be sure to make your voice heard about this last fact. There are a lot of different arrangements that have been made between two parents and where the kids will live. You could live with one fulltime or each part-time. You might be able to visit one parent only at certain times or perhaps anytime (which is called open visitation). Let your parents know what you would prefer but remember that it is ultimately up to them in the end.

Money is often tight for families after a divorce. If your mother or father stayed home while the other worked, he or she is probably going to have to take a job after the divorce. If this is the parent you are living with and you are used to having them at home, you will probably be dealing with new rules and having to do more for yourself while they are at work. There will also probably be less money in general because running two households takes more money than running one. Let your parents know if you have concerns about this so they can explain their plans to you about how things will be.

In fact, try to keep communication open about other things as well. Sometimes, teens feel like their parents are trying to make them take sides or like one of them better than another or that one parent is worse than another. This can be very difficult to deal with and speaking up about it is definitely your right. Tell your parents how their behavior makes you feel. And if they still don’t stop, do your best to ignore it and realize that just like teens; people can act strangely when their relationships end.

Finally, take time to take care of yourself. Experiencing your parents’ divorce can be stressful and you have the right to de-stress. Think of things that work well for you like taking a walk, taking a bath, watching your favorite show, or listening to your favorite movie. If you are feeling really overwhelming and stressed, perhaps you should talk to a friend, coach, or counselor about your feelings and concerns. Over time, as schedules and feelings settle, things will get easier but until then, be sure to take care of yourself.

Going through your parents’ divorce is a difficult time, but definitely something you can get through.