I have a suggestion for the women of PETA.

Given your request earlier this week of Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield who are “Ben and Jerry’s Homemade Ice Cream” that their company begin using human breast milk in the manufacture of their product, you might be happy relocating your organization to the Rift Valley in the Sudan. In the Rift Valley, cattle are not sub-par to humans. As this appears to be the goal of your organization – equality between man and beast – your effort to ease the “suffering” and to eradicate the “exploitation” of cows might be best accomplished by headquartering your outfit in a place that appears to embrace some of those goals you wish to accomplish in America. Champion your effort in America by co-existing with cattle in the Sudan. Surely then you will gain insight which will prove advantageous to your endeavors here at home. Perhaps, there is something you will learn in the Sudan that will cause Mssrs. Cohen and Greenfield to reconsider their decision not to implement your suggestion to make ice cream from human breast milk.

Of course, there may be work for you to do on behalf of the cows in the Sudan given the “bride price” exchange rate of three for one. Not quite par for the cow - human life does appear to currently remain a tad more valuable. However, I am positive that with more fantastic ideas, such as the one you admirably proposed in the area of ice cream production this week in America, you will be able to come up with some proposal to rectify the plight of the Sudanese cow and the inequality problem which currently exists between beast and human in the Rift Valley.

While you are in the Sudan, PETA gals do not let the work of Amnesty International or Eve Ensler’s V-Day operation distract you from your task. Those organizations concentrate their good will on behalf of human beings. While you may run into disagreements with them on issues such as female genital mutilation (FGM) and early childhood marriage (ECM), these cultural practices of some Sudanese tribes will for the most part aid your work on behalf of cows. It is after all, man’s dominion over animals with which you have such a problem. While I am not suggesting by any stretch of the imagination that those individuals of the Rift Valley do not love their daughters as much as you claim to love yours; it is axiomatic that their cultural practices will be of aid to PETA. Amnesty International and V-Day are in the Sudan to promote human rights and human self-determination while protecting the identity and preserving the culture of tribes such as the Maasai. They are attempting to assist the Maasai in an evolution that does not include ten year old child brides, seven months pregnant bleeding to death after hasty female circumcisions. They are attempting to teach the Maasai that babies do not die if they come into contact with certain parts of their mother’s genitalia during birth which would eliminate one of the “reasons” for female circumcision. They are attempting to get law enforcement and the government to be proactive in eliminating FGM and ECM. They provide safe houses for girls who do not wish to be cut. They are attempting to teach the tribes that their culture will not be lost if these practices are eliminated. China’s culture was not lost when the feet of her women ceased to be bound.

But I digress. These are the problems of people and not of PETA. Perhaps you will concentrate on the use of cattle as bridal currency and how this practice inhibits the free will of livestock. There is no information as to what happened to the cattle exchanged for the now dead ten year old bride. I am sure this will be of great concern to you, PETA gals and it would behoove your cause to send a cow advocate to the Sudan immediately while the case is pending.

In any event, the body of the ten year old pregnant bride who bled to death after having her genitalia mutilated while you promoted human breast milk ice cream was exhumed and for the first time in the history of the Maasai, a circumciser has been criminally charged. This was accomplished with the assistance of advocates for the human race.

Regarding the ten year old dead pregnant bride, I hope with all hope that the heaven where she plays now has returned childhood to her and that she is offered as much ice cream as she can eat in every flavor known to man.

And I don’t give a damn about the cows.